My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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