you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
