Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
