i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
