Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
my being single is dangerous.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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