Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
