How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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