Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
