the condom got lost in my hair
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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