Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
