I am in a vortex of obligation.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
