I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
