I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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