he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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