Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
