Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
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