So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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