last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
