Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
