they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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