i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
