I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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