Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
