What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
