I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
