Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
