at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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