your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
