please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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