I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
