its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
