He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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