You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
