life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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