He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
