Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
