Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
