Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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