What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
