I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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