My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
