two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Randomize
