Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
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