The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
