so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
smell my finger.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
