I want to walk on stilts...naked
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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