i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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