When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
