Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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