I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Randomize
